Fivehead Boys
An examination of my type
When I worked as a nanny, I was in the midst of a somewhat-crippling crush on Bill Hader. Not what you were expecting, right?
What twenty-one-year-old is actively lusting after Bill fucking Hader? The answer was, and still is, me.
This crush had almost everything to do with the fact that for the bulk of my youth he’d made me laugh hysterically every Saturday night (watch this sketch to laugh so hard you feel like you did an ab workout without actually having to do any exercise), but it was in its heyday as “Barry” was being released, and so, on my drives to preschool with Hayes, the boy who owns my heart, we’d pass billboard after billboard of his face. His already massive forehead was made even bigger, and Hayes liked to make a game of counting each and every 14 feet by 48 feet monument to “Ava’s boyfriend.”
The crush is still alive and well, I’m happy to report, but Bill has some competition now.
Who, you ask?
It’s obvious. It’s embarrassing, actually, how cliched this crush of mine is. I mean, every twenty-something girl is in love with Michael Shannon, right? … Right?
Yes, I’m ridiculously, absurdly into Michael Shannon, a crush that boggles the minds of my roommate, my exes, and, most notably, my therapist.
It’s weird, I know, I know it’s weird, but considering the whole Bill Hader crush, is it that shocking? If anything, I feel like it makes total sense.
That brings us to the latest large-foreheaded boy: Jack Quaid. An actor whose last name is more famous than he is and who has said on the record that he gets mistaken for, you guessed it, both Bill Hader and Michael Shannon.
You guys!! I’ve finally found a celebrity (does he count as a celebrity if whenever I mention him, which I do far too frequently, people look at me quizzically and say, “Who?”) to fixate on who: a) isn’t way too old for me, b) isn’t either married or divorced with children and c) happens to be related to my dog’s namesake. This is big news. I’m sure my therapist will be thrilled.
The question remains, though: why am I consistently into celebrities whose foreheads are larger than their IMDb credits are long?
Do I think that their large foreheads make them smarter than most people?
Do I, the owner of a Big Ass forehead myself, feel a kinship to these men?
Is my vision so bad that I can only register someone’s facial features if they’re larger than average?
The answers to these questions are yet to be discovered, but please, stay tuned. And if anyone reading this does know Jack Quaid, help a girl out, would you? He’s a sweet-looking nerd boy, and I could do with some excitement.
xx
Ava